Here comes the Sun…

by mendibpng

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In the wake of my 39th birthday, I’ve decided to ask God for the impossible.

I find myself praying the words of this song,

Spirit of the Living God, fall fresh on me
Melt me, mold me
Fill me, Use me

Let me back up a little. If you have followed our blog, you may already know that in the last four years we have had some significant joys and struggles. We have experienced hard things, and can look back on some of them with relief (now that they are over!) but I for one am exhausted. I realized it significantly last week at the women’s retreat, when I took time to sleep instead of go to meetings or socialize.

I can tell I’m ‘dangerously tired’ when I start intentionally catching up on rest and I don’t feel better.

For a long time.

In fact, I started feeling even more tired and ended up going to bed around 9:00 most nights. I have seen this happen before…once the adrenaline depletion starts kicking in, it’s hard to be motivated to do more than just sleep and do the bare necessities of cooking and looking after my children.

I don’t want to go into all of the things that have contributed towards the ‘road to burnout’ because when I start to list them, I am tempted to dwell in them and start moving towards self pity and bitterness. (I have acknowledged them, so I don’t believe I’m living in denial–I just don’t want it all in the forefront of my mind.)

So, as I’m taking time to rest when I can, particularly in the evenings, but here are the things I am praying for my 39th year of life:

I want

  • God to reveal Himself to me in supernatural ways this year. A note here: I have begun to pray this earnestly and He is speaking to me through his Word, his Voice and through dreams.
  • to learn what it really means to fear God and not people. Instead of being swayed by what I perceive other people want or desire, I want to be in tune with God’s plan for me, even in the smallest things.
  • to mind my own business and not get aggravated by things that I shouldn’t be worried about (God has been impressing on me which things ARE my business and which things aren’t!)
  • to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide every relationship, with my kids, my husband, friends and acquaintances.
  • to give individual time to each of my five children every day.
  • to debrief with Ben once a day.
  • to live a life of gratitude for everything in my life
  • to give God my best time, not just the leftover mutterings at the end of an exhausted day. He showed me through a dream yesterday that I love (some) things more than Him.
  • to trust God that He will do good in my life. (Have you ever been in a place where you are afraid to ask God what He wants to do with you, in case He might give you something painful/unpleasant?)
  • to take time to do things I really love to do: like trying out new recipes and working on my quilt.

This, admittedly, is an impossible list, as I have said above. I am a sinner, and undoubtedly I will mess up as soon as I press ‘send’ on this blog post. And yet, with God’s Spirit working in me, the pressure is off to be perfect. His kind and gentle reminders convict and make me want to love Him more. That verse from James 1:5 comes back to me often,

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (NIV)

It’s all over Proverbs too: wisdom is there for anyone who asks for it.

I feel like someone who is sitting on a beach, with the sun coming down on her for the first time in a long time. I want to soak in the heat and warmth of the sun.

p.s. If you want to see what has been influencing this list, here’s what I’ve been reading lately:

“Surprised by the Voice of God” by Jack Deere
“When People are Big and God is Small” by Edward Welch
The Bible: specifically Romans

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5 Comments to “Here comes the Sun…”

  1. Mandy, congratulations on catching up to me in our 39th year. Thanks for writing this out. We’re in this together. I’m so thankful that you are such an inspiration in being real, honest, and open to the Spirit in your life. Keep on!

  2. You’re on the right track, Mandy, with your intentionality of “Practicing The Presence,” and getting needed rest in a prolonged sense. Jesus IS your Sabbath Rest. He is not Pharoah. Enjoy Him! Enjoy your beautiful family! Know that your Mom and Dad are praying II John vs. 2 over you. xxoo Mom and Dad.

  3. That’s a Good list, Mandy, and with God, “…nothing is impossible…” Just don’t beat up on yourself when you trip over the “…every day…” You are SO on the right track!
    Love and Prayers

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